Being an Involved Parent Without Being Overprotective

Parenting a teenager is like walking a tightrope. If you’re too overprotective, your child rebels and gets into trouble. If you’re not involved, they get into trouble through lack of guidance. In order to effectively parent your teen, you’ll have to walk this tightrope, balancing your level of involvement. You’ll have to discover how to stay involved without being overprotective. You can do this by following a few simple tips.

Be a Role Model

If you’ve been a kind and responsible parent, you’re probably raising kind and responsible teenagers. It might not always seem like it, but you’ve given them the basics from the time they were young. They have seen your example, and continue to see it. Trust in that and instead of being controlling and overprotective, simply be available for those times when they’ll need you to demonstrate how to be a functioning and responsible adult.

Don’t Overreact

Teenagers will often just seem to push all your buttons. They’ll drive you crazy with the smallest things until you’re ready to ground them for life simply for missing curfew by 3 minutes, which is probably an overreaction. Before you can parent your teen, you’ll have to control yourself. Temper your reactions and try to behave in proportion to the action.
Understand that your teenager is growing up and is trying to exert a little independence. This isn’t a bad thing. Treat them as you would an adult, at least for the most part. If there’s a problem, sit down and discuss it. Don’t tolerate lying or disrespect, but approach the situation with a reasonable attitude.

Don’t Stop Talking

It’s not being overprotective to ask a few very important questions. It’s okay to ask them where they’re going, who they’re with, and when they’ll be back. It’s also okay to ask why they’re late. It’s not okay to order them to detail every second of their evening. That’s too involved and an invasion of your child’s privacy. Let your child know that you want this information because it will help to keep you from worrying, and your teen will be more likely to oblige.

Show a Little Respect

Respect works both ways, so if you want a child who will respect you and relieve your mind, start by showing them a little respect. Respect the fact that they’re growing up and exerting their own independence. Respect their opinions. Respect their need to have a real discussion with you about real issues. They do still need you, but that need is changing, so try to understand that.

Show a Little Trust

At some point, you’re going to have to trust. Trust the world to look after your child. Trust your child to make the right decisions. Trust that you won’t lose your mind waiting for them to come home. Start early by trusting them just a little at a time. As they build up this trust, give them a little more freedom. It’s better to slowly teach them to be responsible by offering a little freedom than never giving them any and watching them self-destruct as adults.

Stay involved in your child’s life and you’ll guide them through adolescence and into adulthood. Be a parent, not an inquisitor. Your teenagers will thank you and respect you for that.

Bargaining with a Teenager

Teenagers are difficult to parent simply because they are approaching adulthood. They are exerting their own independence, and as a parent, you want to encourage this. However, there is a distinct difference between encouraging independence and resorting to bargaining just to make life easier. You are the parent, and with that title comes the responsibility of teaching your teenager and keeping them safe. These are not things that should be bargained away.

Avoiding bargaining with a teenager is not always that easy, however. It can be difficult for a parent to determine what rules should be negotiated and which ones should be set in stone. As the parent, you have to pick your battles and know that you’ve done so. You have to know which rules are not up for negotiation, and you have to convey this information to your children. Once you’ve clarified in your own mind what rules cannot and should not be negotiated, stick to it.

Teenagers will always try to bargain. It’s their way of starting to acquire their own power. But in the relationship between parent and child, you have the power and the benefit of wisdom and experience. Use this power to enforce your decisions. Your teenagers should have enough respect for you to understand that when you say “That’s the rule,” you mean it. Explain that certain rules are simply not on the bargaining table. Don’t argue about it. Arguing can lead to bargaining, which can lead to you changing your mind simply because you’re tired of arguing. Set the rules and walk away.

This doesn’t mean you should refuse to listen to your teenager. You should always have an open line of communication. If a certain rule really bothers your teen, set aside a certain time to discuss it. Listen to their opinion and express your own. Have a discussion, not an argument. Everyone feels better when listened to. While you might not change your mind, you’ll at least understand how your teenager feels, and your teen will know that you know. That alone might make your relationship a little easier.

Never bargain when it comes to the important things. There will be a time when your teenager must make his or her own decisions, when they are truly independent and ready to face the world. Until that time, it is your job as a parent to keep your child safe. This is best done by establishing the rules and enforcing them, but also by listening to your teenager.

How to Tell if Your Teenager is Lying

Many teenagers become accomplished liars. They learn the art of deception early on, and parents are often the targets of their lies. Teenagers can be so convincing when telling a lie that even professionals cannot always discern the truth. This can be difficult and frustrating for parents, especially parents of difficult teens.

Luckily, there are teens who have not perfected this art. They give away their lies with subtle clues that you can pick up on if you’re observant. A teenager who is lying might speak rapidly and avoid eye contact. They may pretend disinterest as they address the subject, but belie this by paying unnatural attention to your responses. Many young teenagers will become nervous and even flush. Occasionally they will become so nervous they may actually cry to get you to believe them. Studies show that someone who is lying glances down and to the left as they try to create a story.

On the other hand, a teenager who is being truthful will often look you straight in the eye and will not be nervous or defensive. They will be relaxed and open, willing to answer questions, and not having to stop for long to come up with a convincing lie. Glancing up and to the right may also be a sign of the truth.

Lying is a matter of course for many teens. They are trying to keep the peace by not revealing something that might cause conflict. As a parent, it is your responsibility to ensure your teenagers understand that lying is not a viable means of staying out of trouble. You’ll have to impose consequences, consequences that make it know that they have violated your trust and have to earn in back.

Teenagers usually have their reasons for lying. They’re trying to stay out of trouble. They’re protecting a friend. They just want you off their back. Teach your children that lying is unacceptable in any form and is disrespectful both of you and your rules.

If you’ve been close to your child through the years, you’ll probably be able to spot a lie. You’ll know their facial expressions and body language well enough that you’ll know something isn’t right. If you suspect a lie from a teenager who has a history of lying, you may have to call them on it. However, a child who has always been known as truthful and honest should be given the benefit of the doubt. To jump to conclusions could permanently damage your relationship with your child.

Basic Rules for Teenage Boys

Teenagers are tricky to handle at the best of time. There will always be inevitable conflict between a teenage boy and his parents. However, it is the responsibility of the parents to keep the child safe, even when that child is a teen and beginning to exert his own independence. This expression of independence is important as he begins to mature into the man he will one day be, but he is still a child. And children, no matter how big they’re getting, still need ground rules.

Determining these ground rules can be difficult. It’s hard to balance the control you need to exert as a parent with letting go. In order to avoid stifling your teenage son’s emotional growth, it’s best to stick to the very basics. Pick your battles, and most other things go.

The Rules of the House

Homes have rules, and your teenage boy is not exempt from these rules. Draw up a set of rules and expect that everyone, including your teenager, abide by them. These rules should include the appropriate use of language, chores, and other responsibilities that you want your son to have. Keep these rules simple, focusing on one or two things. For example, you might have the following rules:

• Make your bed
• Clean up after yourself
• Keep your room tidy
• No foul language

Choose those things that are most important to you as nonnegotiable. Don’t single your son out, however. Everyone should have to abide by the rules. If the rule is no one goes out until their chores are done, then that applies to your son, your daughter, your spouse, and even yourself. Respect runs both ways, and teenagers will rebel when they don’t feel they’re properly respected and listened to.

The Rules of Dating

Most teenage boys date. As a responsible parent, you should allow your son to explore the world of romance, but it has to come with rules. You cannot control every aspect of your son’s various dates, but you can dictate some basic rules.

Start with a curfew. Explain that you understand that he wants to be out late with his dates, but that it’s inconsiderate to come home at 2am, waking everyone in the process. Set a firm time that he must be home by and ensure he sticks to it.

You’re not going to be able to control everything that happens once he walks out the door, so don’t try. Instead, make sure you know where he’s going and who he’s with. Make supplying these crucial pieces of information mandatory, and don’t let him leave without supplying them. Also have a conversation about how ‘romantic’ he can get on his date. This will probably involve some discussion of sex, so be prepared.

The Rules of Money

For most teenage boys, money comes up at some point. They want money, they want it now, and they want a lot of it. Whether they work or they get an allowance from you, they probably won’t be satisfied with the money they have.

You can’t really control what a teenager does with his own money. But you can limit how much money you give him. Establish some firm rules regarding how much money you give him and when you’ll give it to him. Also explain what the money is for. If you give him money for new jeans and he spends it on junk food, don’t run out and buy him new jeans. He made a choice that you couldn’t really control. But you can control when the money is doled out.

The Rules of Driving

There are few moments as frightening to a parent as when their teenager gets his license. As a parent, you have some control over this, but exercising too much control will only lead to resentment and rebelling. Instead of exercising control, exercise caution. Discuss driving with your teenager before you let him get his license.

Make sure he realizes that it’s a responsibility that cannot be taken lightly. Explain that once behind the wheel, he’s responsible for his own life, the lives of the other people in the car, and the lives of everyone on the street. If he doesn’t take this seriously, put off getting that learner’s permit for a few months. Make him understand that driving isn’t a right. It’s a privilege, and privileges can be taken away.

There are so many rules you could come up with to try to control your teenage son. However, in the end, you will have to realize that he’s growing up and will soon become a man. He has to learn to take responsibility for himself and his actions, and it’s your job as a parent to teach him this. Set the ground rules, impose consequences for not following them, and then let him grow up.