It's Okay to Let the Baby Cry

Being a new mom is hard under the most perfect of conditions. You're tired, sore, and probably dirty because you've forgotten to take a shower for the past week. And that's when you have the ideal situation.

When you have a baby who won't sleep, the situation is just that much worse. This was where I found myself when my second son was born. He didn't sleep. Ever. Oh, he'd nap for 10 minutes at a time maybe 5 or 6 times a day, but he didn't actually sleep. And since I was going through a divorce, I didn't have anyone to take over so I could catch a nap. That meant less than an hour of sleep per day, and none of that was consecutive. I was totally fried and losing my mind.

Still, I held in there. For five months. On an hour of sleep. Picture that for a moment. I was past being a zombie, and I had a 2-year-old and an infant to care for. Everyone was cranky, everyone was tired, and I think we were all insane. No one was even liking each other at the time.

I had to do something. So I made a decision that wasn't entirely conscious and was mostly driven by exhausted instinct and put the baby down. I put him safely in his crib one night and walked away. I closed the door behind me and collapsed on the floor. I literally did not have the strength to stay on my feet for another minute. It was sit down or pass out.

In fact, I think I maybe passed out. The baby was out of my arms for the first time in five months. I had no reserves left and needed to just sit there, back against the door. So I sat.

And the baby cried. I don't actually know how long he cried. It was more than a minute, less than 30 minutes. I was only semi-conscious, so I'm not exactly sure. But I do know that the crying suddenly stopped. Just stopped. Like some sort of magic. He'd never been quiet when not in my arms.

So my first thought, quiet naturally, was, "He's dead!" Give me a break. I was insane at the time. So I went back in. But just in case he was alive and actually sleeping, or just trying to trick me, I had to be sneaky. Which meant I became Ninja Mommy. I was probably much less impressive in real life, but in my demented state I remember being very sneaky indeed. I remember slinking across the floor and peeking into the crib like a pro. I'm sure I was more like a slug who couldn't see straight. Whatever.

And there he was, sleeping like a champ. A champ I tell you! And not in my arms. For the first time ever. In my relief, I fell asleep right there on the floor. Ninja Mommy indeed.

Did I feel guilty? Honestly, I was too tired to feel guilt. I didn't cry when he cried because I was mostly unconscious. I didn't experience any of the emotions I've heard other moms talk about when they let their babies cry it out. And I wasn't deliberately letting him cry it out. I was just too tired to do anything else.

The next day I took my baby to the doctor because I needed him to tell me that what I had done was okay. He patted me on the back and asked me why I hadn't done it sooner. And, of course, reminded me he'd suggested it before. Twice. I'd just been too tired to listen.

Armed with the knowledge that I was not hurting my baby, I did it again. And again. By night five he was only protesting by waving his arms and snorting at me (he still snorts when he's annoyed and he's 7 now).

I was sleeping! Both kids were sleeping! We no longer hated each other! Mission accomplished (not that I'd really had a mission). I know there are people out there who would say I was being cruel. I don't care. It was either let him cry or drop kick him. Yes, I really was that tired. And I really needed to do something, and I was acting only on instinct.

So what's the moral of the story? That we, as parents, do what we have to do. We do what works for us. Because that's all any if us can ever do.

Developmental Stages During Infancy

From the moment you realize you’re pregnant, you start thinking about your baby. You’re anxious to learn all you can about your newborn and how he or she will develop. You buy all the books, visit all the websites, and talk to everyone who will listen to you.

Then you bring your child home from the hospital and you start to watch and wonder. You’re never such what’s “normal” for your baby. As your child grows physically, mentally, and emotionally, he or she will begin to develop new skills and abilities. Your baby will smile, recognize you and other family members, and even start to talk. But when is all this supposed to happen?

A baby’s development falls on a spectrum. It’s important not to panic if your baby isn’t crawling by seven months. Children develop at their own pace and most children will eventually catch up. If your baby is on the far end of the spectrum and you’re worried, speak to your pediatrician. A qualified doctor can usually assess your child for developmental delays. However, most children will develop all of the following skills.

0 – 6 Weeks

Newborns don’t do much. They’re too busy adapting to their new environment. It’s hard going from a warm, safe, dark womb to the bright and cold surroundings of the outside world. Your baby will squirm as he or she learns about the body they can now move freely. Your child may also grimace or smile, but this is usually due to gas.

Babies in this age bracket tend to respond on instinct. Most of what they do is based on survival. The mouthing reflex, for example, is an instinct designed to allow the baby to feed, as is the ability to latch onto a nipple. These responses are based upon certain stimuli, but they are not cognitive abilities. A baby’s cognitive abilities will begin developing at around the 4-6 week mark.

6 – 8 Weeks

Babies in this age range start to look around and focus on many different things in their environment. Motor reflexes begin to develop, though they are still slow and very awkward. Babies at this stage are not very steady, but they do attempt to move their heads around.

At around 6 weeks, babies begin to truly smile. Your child may greet you with a smile when you enter a room, and may attempt to turn towards the sound of your voice. Though his or her social circle is still limited to parents and perhaps other very close relatives (such as a sibling in the same household), the baby is beginning to develop socially.

2 – 3 Months

By this time, the strength of a baby begins to grow exponentially. Your baby may start to rock back and forth in an apparent attempt to roll over, and may even begin supporting himself on his hands if you place him on his stomach on a firm surface. Generally by 3 months babies learn to roll over onto their backs, but don’t be surprised if your baby then finds himself stuck. Babies at this stage do not have the strength to roll themselves back onto their stomachs.

Socially, your baby will begin to recognize other people. Your child may start responding to a beloved aunt or grandparent, and may even giggle when “Grandpa” comes to play. Your baby’s social circle is starting to widen, and he’s beginning to realize there’s a wider world than simply his parents.

3 – 4 Months

By this stage, most babies have learned to control their neck muscles enough to support their own heads. This means that your own baby will be able to look wherever he wants. And he’ll usually want to look at whatever is the brightest or fastest moving object in the room. This is a good age to invest in a mat with activity bars dangling overhead, and your baby will finally show an interest in these types of things.

Your child is also learning some basic motor coordination. He’ll learn to control the movement of his hands and feet, and may appear to be attempting to crawl (though actual crawling will not occur just yet).

Children at this age are also learning how to play, and the basics of cause and effect. By about 3 months, a baby understands that if he shakes a rattle, it makes a sound. He’ll also start to realize that you’ll pick up anything he drops. This may become a game to him, as he tosses various toys and expects you to pick them up.

4 – 6 Months

This is a very exciting stage for a baby. Most children have greater control of their hands and necks, and begin to truly roll around, back to front and front to back. Many babies even learn that they can roll to get around, their very first attempt at mobility.

Children also begin to have ‘conversations’ at this age. They will coo or gurgle at you, expecting a response. While this conversation doesn’t make sense quite yet, it is your baby’s first attempt at communicating with you through language.

Socially, children of this age love to play games. Peek-a-boo is especially popular, as is This Little Piggy. He’ll also begin to make associations regarding his own body, so this is a good age to begin teaching certain parts of the body, such as feet, hands, and nose. Don’t expect him to catch on immediately, but he’ll get it eventually.

7 – 11 Months

For many babies, this is the stage where truly mobility is gained. Crawling or scooting begins, usually followed by pull himself up using furniture. But the end of this stage, most babies have learned to walk while holding onto furniture. Some may walk independently.

Independence first begins to develop in the second half of a baby’s first year. He might choose to look at a cloth or board book without your help, and may become frustrated if you do attempt to render aid. This is a phase where it’s important to respect his independence as he begins exploring his world.

Most children begin talking at this phase. They’ll use simply words associated with familiar items, such as ‘ball’, ‘Mum’, ‘cat’, and other easy words. To encourage this, use words to communicate with him, putting everything he wants into words. Don’t expect full sentences to come out of your child just yet. Linking words to items is progress enough.

12+ Months

Infancy is generally considered to end around the 12-month mark. After this, children are generally referred to as toddlers. A baby will begin walking right around now, and may develop a resentment of all those baby gates you’ve carefully placed around the house. He’ll also start using more words, and may even join two or three words together. They may not make sense, but it’s a start.

This is an age of frustration on the part of your child. Expect him to be annoyed when something doesn’t go his way. This is a normal and healthy part of development. Expect him to challenge you as he passes his first birthday. This is his way of learning what the rules of his world are, so be consistent.

The first year of a baby’s life is truly amazing. Your child will go from a tiny infant barely capable of moving to a toddler dashing through your kitchen. Spend this first year engaging your child, and remember that most of his brain’s development will happen during this year. Don’t waste this precious time with your baby at he learns who he is and his place in the world.