How to Tell if Your Teenager is Lying

Many teenagers become accomplished liars. They learn the art of deception early on, and parents are often the targets of their lies. Teenagers can be so convincing when telling a lie that even professionals cannot always discern the truth. This can be difficult and frustrating for parents, especially parents of difficult teens.

Luckily, there are teens who have not perfected this art. They give away their lies with subtle clues that you can pick up on if you’re observant. A teenager who is lying might speak rapidly and avoid eye contact. They may pretend disinterest as they address the subject, but belie this by paying unnatural attention to your responses. Many young teenagers will become nervous and even flush. Occasionally they will become so nervous they may actually cry to get you to believe them. Studies show that someone who is lying glances down and to the left as they try to create a story.

On the other hand, a teenager who is being truthful will often look you straight in the eye and will not be nervous or defensive. They will be relaxed and open, willing to answer questions, and not having to stop for long to come up with a convincing lie. Glancing up and to the right may also be a sign of the truth.

Lying is a matter of course for many teens. They are trying to keep the peace by not revealing something that might cause conflict. As a parent, it is your responsibility to ensure your teenagers understand that lying is not a viable means of staying out of trouble. You’ll have to impose consequences, consequences that make it know that they have violated your trust and have to earn in back.

Teenagers usually have their reasons for lying. They’re trying to stay out of trouble. They’re protecting a friend. They just want you off their back. Teach your children that lying is unacceptable in any form and is disrespectful both of you and your rules.

If you’ve been close to your child through the years, you’ll probably be able to spot a lie. You’ll know their facial expressions and body language well enough that you’ll know something isn’t right. If you suspect a lie from a teenager who has a history of lying, you may have to call them on it. However, a child who has always been known as truthful and honest should be given the benefit of the doubt. To jump to conclusions could permanently damage your relationship with your child.

Basic Rules for Teenage Boys

Teenagers are tricky to handle at the best of time. There will always be inevitable conflict between a teenage boy and his parents. However, it is the responsibility of the parents to keep the child safe, even when that child is a teen and beginning to exert his own independence. This expression of independence is important as he begins to mature into the man he will one day be, but he is still a child. And children, no matter how big they’re getting, still need ground rules.

Determining these ground rules can be difficult. It’s hard to balance the control you need to exert as a parent with letting go. In order to avoid stifling your teenage son’s emotional growth, it’s best to stick to the very basics. Pick your battles, and most other things go.

The Rules of the House

Homes have rules, and your teenage boy is not exempt from these rules. Draw up a set of rules and expect that everyone, including your teenager, abide by them. These rules should include the appropriate use of language, chores, and other responsibilities that you want your son to have. Keep these rules simple, focusing on one or two things. For example, you might have the following rules:

• Make your bed
• Clean up after yourself
• Keep your room tidy
• No foul language

Choose those things that are most important to you as nonnegotiable. Don’t single your son out, however. Everyone should have to abide by the rules. If the rule is no one goes out until their chores are done, then that applies to your son, your daughter, your spouse, and even yourself. Respect runs both ways, and teenagers will rebel when they don’t feel they’re properly respected and listened to.

The Rules of Dating

Most teenage boys date. As a responsible parent, you should allow your son to explore the world of romance, but it has to come with rules. You cannot control every aspect of your son’s various dates, but you can dictate some basic rules.

Start with a curfew. Explain that you understand that he wants to be out late with his dates, but that it’s inconsiderate to come home at 2am, waking everyone in the process. Set a firm time that he must be home by and ensure he sticks to it.

You’re not going to be able to control everything that happens once he walks out the door, so don’t try. Instead, make sure you know where he’s going and who he’s with. Make supplying these crucial pieces of information mandatory, and don’t let him leave without supplying them. Also have a conversation about how ‘romantic’ he can get on his date. This will probably involve some discussion of sex, so be prepared.

The Rules of Money

For most teenage boys, money comes up at some point. They want money, they want it now, and they want a lot of it. Whether they work or they get an allowance from you, they probably won’t be satisfied with the money they have.

You can’t really control what a teenager does with his own money. But you can limit how much money you give him. Establish some firm rules regarding how much money you give him and when you’ll give it to him. Also explain what the money is for. If you give him money for new jeans and he spends it on junk food, don’t run out and buy him new jeans. He made a choice that you couldn’t really control. But you can control when the money is doled out.

The Rules of Driving

There are few moments as frightening to a parent as when their teenager gets his license. As a parent, you have some control over this, but exercising too much control will only lead to resentment and rebelling. Instead of exercising control, exercise caution. Discuss driving with your teenager before you let him get his license.

Make sure he realizes that it’s a responsibility that cannot be taken lightly. Explain that once behind the wheel, he’s responsible for his own life, the lives of the other people in the car, and the lives of everyone on the street. If he doesn’t take this seriously, put off getting that learner’s permit for a few months. Make him understand that driving isn’t a right. It’s a privilege, and privileges can be taken away.

There are so many rules you could come up with to try to control your teenage son. However, in the end, you will have to realize that he’s growing up and will soon become a man. He has to learn to take responsibility for himself and his actions, and it’s your job as a parent to teach him this. Set the ground rules, impose consequences for not following them, and then let him grow up.

Common Discipline Mistakes

Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs anyone will ever have. It can be frustrating, disheartening, and sometimes even depressing. It may occasionally seem as if discipline has no effect, and you may wonder why you should even try. However, discipline remains a vitally important part of raising a child. Appropriate discipline teaches a child boundaries, instills a sense of right and wrong, and makes a child feel safe. And consistent discipline enables a child to accurately predict the consequences of their actions. All of this is essential to the mental and emotional development of your child.

However, disciplining any child is not easy. There are many mistakes that parents can and do make on a regular basis. These costly mistakes cause confusion, frustration, and may result in hurt feelings. The easiest way of avoiding the most common discipline mistakes is to simply be aware of them in the first place.

Don’t Lose Your Temper

Everyone gets angry. It’s just a fact of life. But displaying anger while you’re trying to discipline your child will inevitably lead to sending mixed messages and may even make your child fear you. Acting out of anger is the same as losing control, so it is important that you keep calm when disciplining your child. This means no yelling or screaming at your children.

If you know you’re about to lose control of your temper, take a break. Both you and your child might benefit from a timeout. Tell your child you both need five minutes to calm down, then come back and address the issue. An older child will understand this.

Follow Through

Empty threats will come back to haunt you. If you have a rule with a specific consequence, always enforce that rule and follow through with the consequences if that rule is broken. If you don’t, your child will soon learn that rules are flexible and you don’t always mean what you say. This will lead to an unruly child who always pushes the boundaries because she knows she can get away with it.

Mean What You Say and Don’t Back Down

If your child has asked for that cookie three times and the answer has been ‘no’ then the answer needs to remain ‘no’. Don’t give in to persistent pleas or whines for that cookie. If you do, your child will learn that all she has to do is keep asking and you’ll eventually give in. This will teach your child that ‘no’ actually means ‘not right now, but keep it up and I’ll give in just to get you to stop asking.’ Don’t put yourself in that situation.

No Emotional Blackmail

Don’t try to make your child feel guilty about breaking the rules by playing on her emotions. You’re not a victim of your child, so don’t play that role. Enforce discipline clearly and firmly without resulting to emotionally blackmailing your child.

Don’t Break Your Own Rules

The old adage “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t work with children. You are your child’s most influential role model, so follow your own rules. If you have told your child not to sneak cookies before dinner, then you’d better not be sneaking any either. They’ll catch you, and they’ll assume that the rules don’t apply anymore.

Don’t Change the Rules

A child is easily confused, so make sure the same rules apply each and every day. If you do have to change a particular rule, have a family meeting about it first. Don’t expect your children to follow unspoken rules either. If it’s not spelled out, it’s not a rule to a child. Make your expectations clear and keep those expectations consistent.

Resist the Temptation to Bribe Your Child

It’s often temping to give your child a little treat for behaving, but doing this on a consistent basis creates an expectation of more of the same. Eventually, your child will behave only when you have a reward in your hand. Enforce the rules without resorting to bribery and your child will learn to motivate themselves to follow existing rules. This will, in the long run, lead to a child who behaves most of the time.

Be a Parental Unit

Unless you’re a single parent, you probably aren’t disciplining your child alone. Get together with your partner and come up with a set of rules you can both agree to and enforce as a unit. If you can, plan how you will react to certain situations and stick to the plan. If you encounter a situation that needs discipline, discuss it with your partner first, if at all possible. Just don’t do this in front of your child or she might learn to play one against the other, and that’s never a good situation to encourage.

Don’t Delay

Children have a very short attention span. If your child breaks a vase at 9am and you don’t get around to disciplining her until 4pm, too much time has passed. Deal with situations as immediately as possible. If more than five or ten minutes have passed, you’ve probably missed the opportunity to effectively discipline your child. Younger children have even shorter attention spans, so get to it quickly.

Lectures Aren’t Necessary

Discipline shouldn’t take all afternoon. Be clear and concise when enforcing discipline to avoid confusing your child. Remember that the younger the child, the shorter the attention span. Get it over with while your child is still paying attention if you want to be an effective parent.

Disciplining your child isn’t an easy thing to do. But if you speak to her clearly and concisely and show her that her actions have consequences, she will soon learn to obey the rules. Be open, caring, and a good role model and you can avoid some of the more common disciplining mistakes and create a stronger, healthier relationship with your child.

Imaginary Friends: The Always-Present Playmate

The long hunt for the imaginary friend.

Many children have imaginary friends. Whether's in an invisible dog or a dragon hovering in the corner of the room, imaginary friends make up the social circle of many preschoolers and even school-aged children. And despite the concern of some parents, imaginary friends are both natural and normal at certain phases of development. Each child will approach their imaginary friend phase differently. Some will have the same friend for years while others exchange friends on a weekly basis. My own four-year-old has a new friend every other day. It certainly keeps things interesting.

The Benefits of Imaginary Friends

The very first benefit of imaginary friends is that they nurture a child's imagination and creativity. They can also help your child engage in learning activities. My own kids read to their imaginary friends, play with them, talk to them, and even practice counting and basic mathematics. Their imaginary friend never have tantrums and they don't get cranky, so playing with imaginary friends is less stressful that having real kids over might be. Especially for sensitive children.

But these friends are more than simply playmates. They help children deal with real-life problems and can provide comfort during frightening or stressful times. It's a lot easier to deal with a thunderstorm when you're protected by a dragon or stand up to bullies on the playground if you have a tiger backing you up.

Imaginary friends are also beneficial for parents. When my own son came to me one day and told me his imaginary cat/friend was afraid he'd get blown away by the ceiling fan, I knew it was really my son who was afraid. So I taught my son how to reassure his friend about the ceiling fan, and in doing so I soothed his own fears. And he never had to reveal that it was actually he himself who was afraid of the fan. So when your child is talking about his imaginary friend, keep your ears open. You might learn something new about your own kid.

When To Worry About Imaginary Friends

Imaginary friends don't necessarily mean that your child is lonely, even if that child is an only child. In fact, children with imaginary friends are usually more social and more creative than children without them. But a friend who doesn't really exist can present a problem if your child uses that friend as a scapegoat. Does your child knock something over or break a house rule and promptly blame it on his imaginary friend? This is a serious problem and it needs to be addressed. Never let your child shift the blame for something they did. This is not an appropriate use of an imaginary friend.

Some parents worry when their child does not have an imaginary friend. But children are different. They express themselves in different ways. Not have an invisible friend doesn't mean that your child will be less creative or lacks an imagination. If your child chooses not to engage in the "game" of imaginary friends, don't be overly concerned. He's merely expressing himself in other ways.

As your child gets older and busier, he will slowly leave his imaginary friends behind. But children as old as 10 or 12 may still have the occasional "visit" from an imaginary friend. They may not be ready to let go or they may simply be exercising their imagination. Don't get caught up in worry. And if you child invites you to play with the friend? Go for it! Have fun with your child and their invisible friend. But if he wants to keep it to himself, keep your distance if possible.