It helps to put yourself into your child’s position. Imagine how it must feel, the idea of having someone new come in and disrupt the status quo. This new ‘someone’ will need attention, care, and love. And most children will assume that this means that the new baby will receive all of their parents love. In this situation, it is quite normal for a child to feel jealous and even afraid of being pushed aside. To help alleviate these feelings, try some simple and effective tips.
Have an Ongoing Conversation
Start talking about the new baby at least four months before the birth, sooner if possible. You don’t want your child to be taken by surprise when you suddenly bring home a new baby. Explain that there will soon be a new baby, and answer any questions in an age appropriate manner. Your child might want to know how the baby got in Mommy’s belly, or perhaps where he’ll sleep. Answer all of these.
Remind Your Older Child of His Own Infancy
Gather up all the baby pictures of your older child and show him how small and helpless he was as a baby. Remind him of all the things you had to do for him and explain that the new baby will need just as much help. Frame a few of these pictures and place them in your child’s room. This will help remind him that he was once a baby too.
Include Your Older Child Before the Birth
There are plenty of things that need to be done before the new baby arrives. There’s the nursery to set up, baby gates to install, shopping to be done, names to pick, and so many other things. Allow your older child to participate in these preparations. Have him select a special gift for the baby, something that no one else has. It’s also a good idea to purchase a gift for the baby to give to his older sibling. This will promote bonding.
You might consider letting him choose the bedding for the crib, the paint for the walls, and even suggest a name or two for the baby. This will instill a sense of ownership in your older child. To children, ownership is very important. If your older child feel like he ‘owns’ the baby, he’ll be more likely to bond to him or her and less likely to resent the intrusion.
Practice
Purchase a baby doll for your child and allow him to practice being the ‘big brother’ (or sister, as the case may be). Let your child explore the idea of having a baby around and encourage role-playing. Let your child change diapers, feed, hold, and rock the ‘baby’ just as he would a real child. This will instill a sense of responsibility and get your child used to a baby’s varied needs. You can also use the baby doll to guide your older child in appropriate behavior around a new baby.
Go to Your Local Bookstore or Library
There are many children’s books on the market today that are all about the birth of a new baby. Most of these will focus on the importance of older siblings and what they can do to help their new baby brother or sister. These books are fun and entertaining, yet educational. A book can allow the older child to feel safe asking questions of the people in the book. This may lead to questions that you didn’t expect, so be prepared.
Many libraries and bookstores will also have videos about babies. Sit down with your child and watch age appropriate videos together. Look for other materials as well, enlisting the aid of the clerks at the bookstore or library to locate appropriate material. All of these things will help to prepare your child for the impending birth.
Switching Bedrooms
If you know you’re going to have to change the sleeping arrangements in your home, do this as far in advance as possible. Three months is ideal, but never change bedrooms any later than six weeks before the birth. This way, your older child will have time to adapt to his new room and won’t necessarily resent the new baby for kicking him out of ‘his’ room.
Don’t Exclude Your Older Child After the Birth
When you bring home the new baby, let your older child participate in the care of the new baby. There are many things an older child can do, depending on the exact age. Perhaps your older child can hold or rock the baby for you. It might also be possible to involve him in feeding, changing, or playing with the newborn. This will make the older sibling feel included, leading to less resentment and jealousy.
It’s also important to make sure no one else excludes your child. If people are coming for a visit, remind them not to ignore the older sibling. Encourage your visitors to bring gifts for both the newborn and your older child. If people forget, let him open the baby’s gifts. The baby won’t mind.
Spend Quality Time With the Older Child
Your older child is likely feeling very left out, despite your best intentions. It’s natural. Make a point of spending some quality time with him without the baby. Do something that he loves to do, something that you won’t do with the new baby (at least where he can see you). This might mean playing a game, going miniature golfing, or even walking the dog. Reserve this activity for just the two of you so he feels that he still has a corner of your heart that no one else can touch.
Have Realistic Expectations
A new baby is a huge change for your child. Expect that he will act up, get angry, and even regress a little. Don’t scold or punish him for engaging in baby talk or sitting in the crib. He’s simply trying to regain some of the attention that he feels is rightfully his. He may suddenly forget that he’s potty trained or want to drink from a bottle like the new baby. Don’t indulge these behaviors, but do try to understand them.
Talk to your child and let him know that you still have expectations, but that you still love him and the new baby doesn’t change that. If he expresses negative emotions toward the new baby, empathize with him. Try to understand where he’s coming from and the entire experience will be easier.
Every child is different. Some will love having a new baby in the house, others will pout and be resentful. Be prepared for many different reactions and never penalize your child for having or expressing certain feelings. Realizing that your child is a little person feeling suddenly left out will go a long way toward making the experience easier on everyone.
