Pandemic Fun: Building a Barn

Well, the summer of 2020 just seems to be dragging on and on, doesn't it? Things are still closed, people are still home from work, and kids haven't been able to go to school for months. A pandemic will do that, and it can become increasingly difficult to keep children entertained.


We are incredibly lucky here, and we know it. We haven't been hit as hard as some areas, and our government responded quickly and efficiently. Everything was shut down and people stayed home, so our active caseload is under 10 at the time of this writing. We're doing well.


But staying home all the time is hard on the kids. So we need projects. We live in the country and have the ability to have a variety of animals, so we're lucky again. Building a Barn became our next project.


Well, my kids built the barn. Now 12 and 14, they're growing up and getting bigger. So we ordered a barn package and they got to work. They read the directions, nailed boards together, attached paneling, and even erected the walls. There were moments of hilarity, frustration, and a fun moment where the kids practically dropped a wall on me. Two kids and their mom building a barn does lead to some interesting moments.


I fully realize not every family can build a barn during quarantine. But everyone can do something. Try to find a useful and fun project to do with the kids. Maybe you can't build a barn, but how about making a bed for the cat? No cat? Well, it doesn't have to be pet related. You could decorate dishes with a dishwasher and food safe paint and varnish. Buy white dishes and brightly colored paints. The kids will enjoy themselves and you'll have plates you can use for years.


There are dozens of project ideas out there. But the best ones will be projects you can see for years to come. They'll remind you of the time your spent months upon months with your children while they couldn't go to school and most activities were shut down. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Pandemic Fun: Building a Rabbit Hutch

Well, it's summer of 2020 and kids have been off school where I live for almost 3 months. They'll be off school for another 3 months. That's nearly 6 months at home. Nothing is open because of the COVID-19 pandemic, so we can't exactly take the kids to the zoo or sign them up for summer camp. With the kids home for an entire spring and summer, we had to come up with some projects to do.


Our first project was conceived of for two distinct reasons. First, the kids were off school before spring break. Spring break, at least where I live, is a terrible time of year. Snow and wind and rain and slush. Occasional blizzards. Getting snowed in. It's not usually a fun time of year. So the weather prevented us from starting a large outdoor project at that particular time.


But the kitchen was also mid-renovation, so inside activities sucked. That meant the garage was our option. Fun times. We had to do something, and it needed to be something fun. And useful. After a little discussion with my two boys, who are 11 and 13, we decided to build a new rabbit hutch. My younger son has 3 rex rabbits outside, and they needed a new house anywhere. The old one just wasn't good enough. So building a rabbit hutch it was.


But this would be tricky for a couple reasons. First, getting the materials during the pandemic proved to be a little bit of a challenge. Even though hardware and lumber stores were open, they had limited hours, were allowing only a few people in at a time, and had strict rules. Those rules meant I couldn't take the kids with me. We had to make a list and I had to buy everything without them actually being there. Okay. I bought wood, paint, screws, and some of the hardware we'd need.


Turns out I'd be short on wood, but that only mattered until my older son found some extra wood in the basement. So we had wood. I'd also forgotten paintbrushes, but I stole a few from my neighbor. So we had everything we needed.


The building was fun, though I ended up banned. My older son was afraid I would cut off my fingers so he manned the saw. My younger son got tired of me measuring wrong and took over that job. So they built it under my direction and using the blueprints I'd drawn for them. They're great kids and the hutch looks great. It took 2 weeks to finish because it was cold out and we needed to wait for the weather to warm a little before painting. But they did it.


My talented boys completed their first quarantine project. They worked hard, worked smart, and made something the rabbits love. They still intend to add a gambrel roof to the top so it looks more like a barn, but they're happy with it.


Quarantine projects have become a necessity. Whether it's building a rabbit hutch or painting a bedroom, giving your children something productive to do can be a lifesaver. They can learn new skills and have some fun.


And we ended up with a rabbit hutch out of it.

Useless Advice for Autism Parents: Please Stop Giving It

If there's one thing I hear in my autism parents support group, it's complaints about the many pieces of "advice" that are offered at every gathering. Or every sort-of gathering. Family reunion, trip to the store, quick phone call, social media...you name it, we're flooded with advice. But unless you're an actual professional with actual experience and we've asked for a little help, don't offer up your advice. You're not helping. We know you mean well, but please stop.

Here are a few of my favorite bits of advice.


Make him socialize more. If he had to sit down to dinner with the rest of us, he'd learn how to cope.
My son does socialize. He has to go to school and figure out how to function without the world ending on a daily basis. It's a constant struggle, and we've made a lot of progress. And he does join us for family dinners. For about 5 minutes. Then he has my standing permission to go eat in the kitchen, or in the living room, or in the basement if that's what it takes to get him to finish a meal. Eating in a large group isn't something he can do yet. Stop bringing it up. Maybe talk about his accomplishments. Like how he didn't throw his dinner roll at someone before he left the table. Because...progress.


Have you had his hearing tested? I think he has a hearing problem.
Believe it or not, every parent of a child with autism has taken their child for a hearing test. It's not easy to get an autism diagnosis without having taken this little step. He can hear. Another hearing test is not going to magically make autism go away.


A time out will help with those tantrums.
First, they are not tantrums. They are complete meltdowns. This is a different category. It might look like a tantrum, but it's absolutely not. He'd not trying to get his way. He's so overwhelmed that he can not control himself. Not will not. Can not. A time out won't do anything. We have a coping mechanism, we're working through it. Please let our little process work.


My accountant's daughter's friend had a kid who used to have autism...
No. Just no. You can't cure autism, so your accountant's daughter's friend either doesn't exist or is an idiot. You're about to suggest some idiotic idea that has no basis in reality and might actually be something we already tried while we were new to the autism diagnosis and thought we too knew more than educated professionals. Check yourself before this comes out of your mouth.


Have you tried essential oils?
At this point I'll just roll my eyes at you. I love essential oils, personally. I use them all the time. And yes, I use lavender for my son, among other oils. Guess what? They don't fix autism. At the very best they can ease some of the more outward manifestations of my son's autism, but that's it. They're not going to stop the next meltdown. They're not going to make him eat food that isn't white, or whatever color he's into this month. And if you're bringing this up because you sell essential oils, just go away.


Feed him gluten free foods. Kids with autism can't eat gluten.
Please shut up. First, there is absolutely no credible research that indicates that gluten does anything, good or bad, for my autistic son. Second, he's currently eating 3 foods: dinner rolls, plain white rice, or chicken nuggets that I've picked the coating off of. Gluten-free is an excellent idea for people who have a legitimate medical condition that precludes the consumption of gluten. For my son, it would be a disaster. So hands off his dinner rolls. And please shut up.


Maybe if you hadn't vaccinated him...
Yes, I've actually had people say this to me. Actually had people I know accuse me of giving my son autism by vaccinating him. Let me be clear. If you believe that vaccines cause autism, we're probably not hanging out, so it's unlikely you'll be saying this to me. But you might know someone who has a child with autism, so keep your thoughts to yourself on this one. There's absolutely no evidence to support the claim that vaccines cause autism. None. Accusing someone of giving their kid autism is not helping.


Look, we know you mean well (except for people giving that last bit of "advice" regarding vaccines). You want to help. But these little gems are not helping. If you really want to help, ask what you can do to make things easier on the parents. Offer to play with the children while Mom takes a nap. Maybe do her grocery shopping for her. Or just give her a giant bag of dinner rolls for her little one to eat at every meal. There are ways to help. Just not by giving ridiculous pieces of advice.

Parenting Up to Ability, Not Parenting Down to Autism

I have two sons. One is neuro-typical, though legally blind, and the other is autistic. As a single mother who works from home, I have both of my children all of the time. It can be a bit of a juggling act, holding the autistic child back while encouraging the typical child to inch forward, but it wasn't until I spent an entire day with just my typical son that I realized I was doing it wrong.

One day I found myself taking one child to the doctor while the other went to school. My typical child, Tristan, had to go to the ophthalmologist, but there was no reason for my autistic son to tag along, so off to school he went. My older son, the typical child, was quite happy to spend a day just with Mommy, even if it involved a doctor, so off we went. The doctor didn't take long, so we decided on the zoo as something to kill two hours before we had to pick up his brother.

We'd been to the zoo many times before, but this was different. Always, when I had both kids, we had to be careful. Mustn't go near the seals or the little one would have a meltdown. Avoid the play structure area because it's too scary. And don't walk in the sand. Do NOT walk in the sand.

This time, however, there was an immediate difference. We didn't avoid certain areas. Tristan could wander where he would and I trotted calmly behind. He was free to explore without having me call him back because his brother couldn't cope.

And then it hit me. I was parenting down, satisfying the lowest common denominator, instead of requiring more of us all. I felt it was just more fair to say no rather than allow Tristan to do something while I was forced to keep his little brother back, possibly while having a little meltdown over whatever big brother was doing. Now, to be clear, Tristan had never once complained when I had to say no, or felt I had to say no. He's an easygoing child, one who adapts to what's thrown his way. But that didn't make it right.

I watched him at the zoo, watched his little personality bubble forth without needing to be held back, and I realized I wanted my younger son to have that experience too.

That's when I knew I'd been guilty of the same mistake parents of special needs kids have been making since the beginning of time. I was parenting to the disability, to the disorder, and not to my son. He is autistic, but he is not autism. Autism is a part of our lives, but it cannot be our whole life. If I constantly parented down, catering to the lowest common denominator, I was doing everyone a disservice.

Especially my older son. Sometimes it is all too easy to focus on the child with the most severe disability, to get tunnel vision. And we, all of us, too frequently use autism, or any special need, as an excuse. It's the reason a child doesn't go to parties. It's the reason we didn't take the family to the movies last weekend. It's the reason we didn't go camping last summer. And in catering to this, we're stifling the potential of all our children, not just the special needs children.

Autism is scary and sometimes unpredictable and frustrating (why won't you eat white foods!), and it can be difficult to not focus on it all of the time. But I knew, for the sake of my small family, that I had to try. I had to stop parenting down, and start parenting up. I had to get rid of the lowest common denominator altogether. I had to expect more of everyone, including myself and my autistic son. If I could do that, all of us, perhaps especially my older child, would have a better life.

It didn't happen overnight. As anyone with an autistic child will understand, you don't just toss him onto the terrifying sand and expect miracles. The process involved a lot of coaxing, a lot of patience, and pure stubbornness on my part. We were going on that sand. Maybe not on day one, but definitely by day three. And day four meant we were visiting the seals. My little one didn't have to like it, but Tristan loved the seals and it was about time everyone got to see what they wanted. Autism or no autism.

Yes, we spent every single day at that zoo. Then we hit the playground to repeat the entire process with the rope bridge. Again, he didn't have to walk across the rope bridge himself. He just had to not have a total meltdown when his brother ran across it. Not too much to ask.

I no longer allow the, "Your brother doesn't want to," or the, "Your brother can't do that," to be a reason for not doing something. We even went to a movie as a family, and that's not something my little one likes at all. Too much of everything going on in there. But...too bad. One movie won't kill him, and we did something he wanted to do right after. Yes, it was hard. Yes, it would have been easier not to. But easier is not right.

Tristan, my older son, matters just as much as my little one. He is a whole child all on his own, a whole person with thoughts and feelings that count. He is one half of all the children I'm ever going to have. He needs to take center stage a full half of the time.

That was more than two years ago now, and autism is still with us. There is no cure and my little one will never love the sand. He'll also never truly enjoy going to a movie. But he copes. He copes for his brother. He copes for me. And he copes for himself.

He is only one half of my children, after all. The other half deserves the freedom and joy he now experiences every day.