But what if it is?
Before you spiral into guilt or defensiveness, take a breath. Good kids make bad choices sometimes. And being a good parent doesn’t mean your kid will never mess up. What matters most is how you respond — because this is a teachable moment, for both of you.
What Makes a Kid Bully?
Let’s start here, because the word bully comes with a lot of emotional baggage. We picture a sneering playground tyrant, and that might be true sometimes — but often, bullying is more subtle. It can look like social exclusion, cruel jokes, digital harassment, or manipulation.
And it’s not always about being “mean.” Kids bully for a lot of reasons:
- They’re trying to feel in control in a life that feels out of control.
- They’re mimicking behavior they see from adults, peers, or media.
- They’re struggling with low self-esteem and trying to lift themselves up by pushing someone else down.
- They lack emotional regulation or social tools.
In other words, bullying is often a symptom of an unmet need. That doesn’t excuse it — but it does give us a path forward.
How to Tell If It’s Happening
Sometimes you know right away. Sometimes it’s more subtle — and you’ll need to listen closely.
Here are a few signs to look for:
- You’re getting complaints from teachers or other parents.
- Your child talks about classmates in harsh or dismissive ways.
- They joke about hurting others’ feelings — and seem proud of it.
- You notice an imbalance of power in their friendships.
- They suddenly have a lot of social power or control — and wield it unkindly.
Also, keep an eye on their digital life. Online bullying can be just as harmful as face-to-face, and often flies under the radar.
The key is to stay open. If someone tells you your child hurt theirs, don’t shut it down. Listen. Ask questions. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s how you find the truth.
Don’t Go Into Denial (But Don’t Go Into Shame Either)
Your first instinct might be to defend your child. That doesn’t sound like them. They’re kind. They’d never do that. You want to believe the best of them — and that’s normal. But denial doesn't help your child grow. It keeps them stuck.
And then comes the guilt. You wonder what you did wrong. You question your parenting. You feel like you’ve failed.
Please hear this: you haven’t failed. But this is a moment to step up.
Kids need to know that they’re still loved — but they also need to know that hurting others isn’t okay. You can hold both truths at once: I love you and this behavior must change.
What to Do Next – Taking Constructive Action
Start by talking to your child in a calm, non-accusatory way. Create space for honesty.
“I heard that you said something unkind to a classmate. Can you tell me what happened?”
Don’t use labels like bully or bad. Focus on the behavior, not the identity.
Ask questions:
- What were you feeling when that happened?
- What do you think the other person felt?
- Would you want someone to treat you that way?
If they deny it, stay calm. Kids sometimes lie when they’re scared. Keep the door open for truth.
Then, work on accountability. That might mean writing an apology, making amends, or facing consequences. But the goal isn’t just punishment — it’s growth.
Support and Correct
Bullying behavior often stems from gaps in emotional intelligence. So let’s fill them.
Teach your child how to:
- Express frustration without lashing out.
- Recognize and name their feelings.
- Notice when someone else is hurt or excluded.
- Repair relationships after a mistake.
You can model these things in your own life — how you talk about others, how you handle stress, how you apologize when you mess up.
Also, check in with their environment. Are they being pressured by peers? Are they watching media that glorifies cruelty? Are they struggling with stress, insecurity, or change?
Correcting bullying is about more than stopping the behavior — it’s about replacing it with something better.
Dealing With the School or Other Parents
This part can be awkward. It’s not easy to walk into a parent-teacher meeting and say, “Let’s talk about what my kid did.” But it’s necessary.
Approach it with honesty and openness:
- “We’re aware of the situation and taking it seriously.”
- “We’re working with our child to make it right.”
- “Please let us know if anything else happens.”
If another parent reaches out, resist the urge to defend or deny. A little humility goes a long way. You don’t have to accept abuse, but you do need to take responsibility for your side of things.
And remember — when you show up with accountability, you’re modeling that for your child, too.
You’re Still a Good Parent
If you're feeling crushed right now — embarrassed, ashamed, overwhelmed — you’re not alone. Many parents have been here. And guess what?
You’re still a good parent.
Good parents don’t raise perfect kids. They raise kids who are human. Messy. Flawed. Learning. And they teach those kids how to do better.
By facing this, by not pretending it didn’t happen, by helping your child grow through it — you are doing the work that matters.
Let yourself grieve a little. Then roll up your sleeves and keep parenting.
Final Thoughts
No one wants to imagine their kid being the one who hurts others. But when that reality hits, denial doesn’t protect your child — it limits them. What helps is action, accountability, and compassion.
You’re not raising a finished product. You’re raising a person. A person who can learn to be kinder, more aware, and more responsible — especially with your help.
You’ve got this. One hard conversation at a time.
