Useless Advice for Autism Parents: Please Stop Giving It

If there's one thing I hear in my autism parents support group, it's complaints about the many pieces of "advice" that are offered at every gathering. Or every sort-of gathering. Family reunion, trip to the store, quick phone call, social media...you name it, we're flooded with advice. But unless you're an actual professional with actual experience and we've asked for a little help, don't offer up your advice. You're not helping. We know you mean well, but please stop.

Here are a few of my favorite bits of advice.


Make him socialize more. If he had to sit down to dinner with the rest of us, he'd learn how to cope.
My son does socialize. He has to go to school and figure out how to function without the world ending on a daily basis. It's a constant struggle, and we've made a lot of progress. And he does join us for family dinners. For about 5 minutes. Then he has my standing permission to go eat in the kitchen, or in the living room, or in the basement if that's what it takes to get him to finish a meal. Eating in a large group isn't something he can do yet. Stop bringing it up. Maybe talk about his accomplishments. Like how he didn't throw his dinner roll at someone before he left the table. Because...progress.


Have you had his hearing tested? I think he has a hearing problem.
Believe it or not, every parent of a child with autism has taken their child for a hearing test. It's not easy to get an autism diagnosis without having taken this little step. He can hear. Another hearing test is not going to magically make autism go away.


A time out will help with those tantrums.
First, they are not tantrums. They are complete meltdowns. This is a different category. It might look like a tantrum, but it's absolutely not. He'd not trying to get his way. He's so overwhelmed that he can not control himself. Not will not. Can not. A time out won't do anything. We have a coping mechanism, we're working through it. Please let our little process work.


My accountant's daughter's friend had a kid who used to have autism...
No. Just no. You can't cure autism, so your accountant's daughter's friend either doesn't exist or is an idiot. You're about to suggest some idiotic idea that has no basis in reality and might actually be something we already tried while we were new to the autism diagnosis and thought we too knew more than educated professionals. Check yourself before this comes out of your mouth.


Have you tried essential oils?
At this point I'll just roll my eyes at you. I love essential oils, personally. I use them all the time. And yes, I use lavender for my son, among other oils. Guess what? They don't fix autism. At the very best they can ease some of the more outward manifestations of my son's autism, but that's it. They're not going to stop the next meltdown. They're not going to make him eat food that isn't white, or whatever color he's into this month. And if you're bringing this up because you sell essential oils, just go away.


Feed him gluten free foods. Kids with autism can't eat gluten.
Please shut up. First, there is absolutely no credible research that indicates that gluten does anything, good or bad, for my autistic son. Second, he's currently eating 3 foods: dinner rolls, plain white rice, or chicken nuggets that I've picked the coating off of. Gluten-free is an excellent idea for people who have a legitimate medical condition that precludes the consumption of gluten. For my son, it would be a disaster. So hands off his dinner rolls. And please shut up.


Maybe if you hadn't vaccinated him...
Yes, I've actually had people say this to me. Actually had people I know accuse me of giving my son autism by vaccinating him. Let me be clear. If you believe that vaccines cause autism, we're probably not hanging out, so it's unlikely you'll be saying this to me. But you might know someone who has a child with autism, so keep your thoughts to yourself on this one. There's absolutely no evidence to support the claim that vaccines cause autism. None. Accusing someone of giving their kid autism is not helping.


Look, we know you mean well (except for people giving that last bit of "advice" regarding vaccines). You want to help. But these little gems are not helping. If you really want to help, ask what you can do to make things easier on the parents. Offer to play with the children while Mom takes a nap. Maybe do her grocery shopping for her. Or just give her a giant bag of dinner rolls for her little one to eat at every meal. There are ways to help. Just not by giving ridiculous pieces of advice.